Indulge me for the night....

Back tonight from the Daschler wedding of Leigh and Louis. Amazing ceremony, and I'll get some pictures on here tomorrow, hopefully.
But I have some things that I think I need to just get out today.

My friend Brittany asked me on Thursday or Friday whether or not I was going to cry at the wedding. I said no, that I don't cry at weddings. I don't. On the day of, I'm a bundle of energy, and filled with happiness for my friends, and the experience of it.

The day after, I'm a mess.

This one was especially hard today. And it's hard to explain.

I'm blessed with amazing friends, I truly am. I'm lucky to have the people around me that I have around me. I couldn't begin to list the number of people I think I could call at any second should I have a problem, and needed something. That's true to this day, and I consider myself quite fortunate.

Last night was one of those nights to celebrate, and we did. Leigh and Louis were amazing throughout. As I said to Leigh in the card, she's the person I emulate in all things. She is flawed, but never faltering. She brings joy to everyone who knows her. She takes negatives, and is able to somehow force the smile on her face that everyone expects, and within an hour, it's gone from forced, to natural. She is the person I hope to be on a daily basis.

Louis is an unbelievable guy. To deal with Leigh is not an easy task, but he does it with his own sense of style and comedy. He is strong, but not overbearing. He is a sarcastic teaser, and yet shows the sweetest sensitivity at the most crucial moments.

And to be a part of a wedding to celebrate the two of them was an honor.

The party was fantastic. What added the extra level was Kalleen being able to attend. She's a rock for me too. I'm always amazed at her ability to switch between the greatest gossip queen on the east coast, to the caring and understanding friend. On some crucial issues, we have philosophical differences, but I don't think there are very many more people who I would trust to give me the perfect advice at any given moment. And for her to make the trip up from North Carolina, and sacrifice a day without Luke....(and Tom)....

So yeah. Yesterday, was amazing. Those three, along with Glenn. And my new friend Jeremy, who truly is the Des Moines Mike Cation, and I'm proud to say I'm the Champaign version of him. And Keri, the first lawyer I've actually been able to talk to in four years without feeling a bit of vitriole, who Leigh promises would be my BFF if we actually had the time or proximity to each other. And Brooke, the matron of honor who puts ants in my shirts. And Sarah, who did shots, to my surprise.

Kalleen and I talked long in to the night, after hours and hours of dancing, and dominating at name that tune. And I went to bed with a smile on my face.

It's not there today.

It's not that any of that has changed. I didn't rue the drive back, and had good company as always. I don't come back to a bad situation at all. It's good. I have a job that, for the most part, I enjoy. I love my apartment, I love my cats, I'm able to run again after my stress fracture, and my friends are always there. And although I am absent the money that I think anyone would enjoy, I do not want. I do not have any pressing needs that impair my life.

But today, I long for my friends that are not able to be with me on a daily basis.

Today, I cry because I wish I had that opportunity to go for a walk with Leigh, which is supposed to be for us to get in better shape, but always ended at Custard Cup. I cry because Kalleen won't be there in the morning to stop by my office and gossip about people down the hall. I cry because Ted is in Jamaica, and no matter how much I wish I could be there and support him in these massive endeavors that I can't begin to place myself in, I can't do it enough to satisfy myself. I cry because Ali is stuck in Australia, and I can't afford thousands of dollars to go and see her, and every time she is here, it's entirely too short, and can't ever be enough to match the level of love and caring I have for her. I cry because Bri is in this unknown town to me, and every time I talk to her, she tells me how much she misses being here, and I can't ever offer enough words to say that I miss that more than she does. And I could list a hundred more. I miss my intern. Hell, I miss Jeremy, and cry because I wish I had had the opportunity to meet him before this weekend. I miss Keri, and cry because I trust enough in Leigh to tell me that she's the kind of person who I truly would be extremely close with. And yeah, I miss a hell of a lot more of you that I'm not naming, and today, I cry because I can't be with all of you.

So today, I long for my friends. I will allow this for myself for the night. I will sit here with my candles lit, and my Imogen Heap and my Miles Davis, and let every possible tear hit the floor, until there are no more. And I will have that drink, remembering in my head every moment that will flicker through my already completely oversaturated brain, filled to the brim.

And tomorrow, I will restart, refreshed.

Tomorrow, I will smile, thinking of Leigh, and Louis, and their honeymoon, and chuckle thinking about the amount of immodium she'll have with her. And I will smile while thinking about Kalleen's reunion with her son, knowing that it's a joy that she cannot express to me, but will be able to prepare me for when it is my turn. And I'll smile thinking of Ted, smoking some incredible Jamaican weed, listening to music never heard before in the states, but will mean more to Ted than it could to anyone else. And I'll smile thinking of Ali, and how even on her days when she wishes she was in the states, she can solve it with a walk on the beach. And I'll smile thinking of Bri, and how much dancing and singing experiences I'll want to share the next time I'm there. And I'll smile while missing my intern. And I'll smile while realizing there's a Des Moines me. And I'll smile at having another really fun person to visit when I get to go to Portland again, which needs to be sooner than later, so that I can collect my dollar.

And I'll smile because I know that no matter how many tears there are on a day like this, there are infinite reasons to wipe all of them away. And so to my friends, both extremely old, and extremely new, I say I love you all very much. I may not get to express it in the ways that I want, but believe me, it's always there, and always will be, and I consider myself lucky to have all of you in my life.